Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Salad is the decaf of food.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning