Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
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Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Life cycle of cat
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…