Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
this is the news I live for
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
technically true but not a great slogan
