Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

🤣🤣💀

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.