Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*