Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
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*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
#CatsOnTwitter
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!