Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
me
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.