Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
pls suprot
