Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
(Musicians.)
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees