Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Poetry is my passion
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.