Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Grow up never but we old may grow we
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.