Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

you will never know the true number of layers

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit