Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Uh oh 👀
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
From Facebook just now…
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter