911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
watergate? u mean a dam??
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
March 16
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.