Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I saw this ending much differently.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
BaD BoY!!
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
selfie game
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.