Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them