@TheBeerGuy_

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

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@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

@frankzulla

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

@Reel2Dialog2

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

@Poutymcgee

Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My sex offender neighbooouur.

@Pumpkinbabypie

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..

@KrazykurtKurt

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.