Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.


You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.


[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*


Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My sex offender neighbooouur.


You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.


Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..


When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.