Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
At best, I might email or text you.
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My sex offender neighbooouur.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”