Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

His flabber was gasted 😂

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

“No way.” -Jose

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”