Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.