Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.