Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
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Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.