Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)