Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I saw nothing
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.