Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pepper has seen some shit

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

I love this❤️😁👍

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.