“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.