“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
incredible text to wake up to
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?