“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.