Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.