Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
You Might Also Like
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
A sick whale is called an unwhale
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
mom gave me mine for free
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed