Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.