Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.