Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Danger is very dangerous

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.