Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
perfect
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*