Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
This hospital has everything
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
B
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away