Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.