Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

i can’t wait that long

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’