Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.