Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Facebook memories be like
