Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Bill is short for Billiam
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?