Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Adultry does not sound fun at all
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
not seeing the problem
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I need a long hot meteor shower
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.