Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.