Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Lmaoo 😂
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
happy mother’s day❤️
A roof is a house hat.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….