Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

This meal prepping shit is easy

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.