Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”