Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.