WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁