Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.