Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

house sitting!

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank