@LackOfShame: Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you'd be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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@ClichedOut: interviewer: would u say ur driven [cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home] me: oh yes
@flashember: [Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
@elonmusk: Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.