Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct