They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
5 ways to appear taller
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS