Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.