Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
You Might Also Like
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?