Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers