@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

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@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

@AristotlesNZ

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.

@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@Eagle_Vision

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

@sofarrsogud

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

@BlindChow

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*