Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

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OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.


Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched.

Both their phones must’ve been stolen.


The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of ‚Äúhindsight is 2020‚ÄĚ jokes next year.


2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke


“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”

– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner


The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.


[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full


Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos