@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

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@p_net

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

@Ibeerya

Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched.

Both their phones must’ve been stolen.

@madlymomming

The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of ‚Äúhindsight is 2020‚ÄĚ jokes next year.

@BruceForce

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

@NotJPo

“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”

– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner

@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

@mrjohndarby

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

@BadMikeyBad

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos