him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed