@lildandeli0n

Sorry I ate your snacks but nothing lasts forever anyway.

You Might Also Like

@Cheeseboy22

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

@mrs_campfire

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

@UnFitz

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

@UncleDuke1969

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

@anerdonfire2

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

@UncleDuke1969

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

@AmishPornStar1

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

@CheckMeowTBruh

[social pariah]
I’m an undesirable. I have been excommunicated from society doomed to walk this Earth forever alone & unloved.

[social piranha]
ALAN! MY MAN! I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE BAR! GIMME A SEC! A KID JUST FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!