Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
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[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.