Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Happy birthday to all the women
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Cardio Made Easy
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
you have three unread messages
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”