Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee