Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Meow

Another day, another…goddammit

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.