Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Very good news from my accountant
