Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Body by sandwich.