sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.