Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.