Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.