Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
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🤣✨#caturday
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
OMG 🤣🤣
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Damn he played himself
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.