Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Hero horse inspires millions
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
middle school in the ’90s
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol