Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

my sentiments exactly

I drew y’all a little something.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Noah was an idiot.