Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

Oops

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

ㅤ

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T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me