Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
scares
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
