Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
this post was so formative to me
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family