Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Somedays I just love AI so much
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.