Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
accurate
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Merica.