My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.