@cbdoubleu

Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.

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@BisHilarious

Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again

@Michael1979

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@hpb777

Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

@AdamBroud

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

@Skoogeth

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@leifromloihi

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

@CGSuperJordan

On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said

“looks cute, might delete later”

@WheelTod

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

@SpenceDen

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.