Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I’ll be mad as hell!
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Geez man, take it easy.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Respect
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever