Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.