Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special