Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.