Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

ㅤ

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.