Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

this is the greatest thing ever

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”