Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Passwords are more important than ever.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends