What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I feel it
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.